the hardest battle to fight is when your enemy is your own self. you know what is right but you just don't have the courage to follow it. it's like playing stupid but you can't fool yourself. you feel good for the moment but once the high subsides you hate yourself more. it's very addictive, so hard to quit. slowly digging your own pit of failures and you got nobody to blame but your own wrongdoings. your brain says something but your body does another. it feels awful to be in this situation. trust me, i know. i have been like this all my life. there always has two voices in my head. the angel and the devil. sadly, the latter always win. i certainly know what i should do but i just can't get myself to cooperate. very frustrating. maybe that's why i never accomplish anything major. i'm always good but never great. it sucks to be always average. plain jane, bland, neutral. i know what i want. i know how to get it. but i just can't do it. take for example my diet. i want to be skinny. i know i should watch what i'm eating but i just can't put down a box of chocolates. but after i empty it all out i feel awful and resentful. it drives me crazy! how can i defeat this inner demon within me? how can i win my war? how long will i be a slave of my alter ego? how much more can i survive this constant dilemma in my head? i'm tired of being a disappointment.
